Russian Language Blog

Here in the Washington DC area, весна немного опоздала в этом году (spring was a little late this year) — I mean, we were still having a steady spell of ненастье (chilly wet weather) right through the end of March, followed by several unpleasantly знойныe ночи (sultry hot) nights in April. А теперь на дворе совсем приятно (“but now it’s quite pleasant outdoors”) — везде деревья расцветали, пчёлы жужжают, (“everywhere trees have blossomed and honeybees are buzzing”), and in general nature has begun its annual бл*доход (a very rude word for “spring fever” deriving from the so-called “fourth whale of Russian obscenity”, but one that I can’t help quoting because it delightfully puns on ледоход, “the spring break-up of ice on frozen rivers.”)

Anyway, the arrival of spring traditionally means, of course: пора проводить тщательную уборку в комнате (“time to do some thorough cleaning inside”).

Here’s my simple guide to make it much easier, but first let’s look at a few key verbs related to housecleaning:

The verb убирать/убрать, at the most basic level, means “to take away,” but when followed by a noun such as комната (“room”) or помещение (“premises, living quarters”) it can be translated as “tidy up, clean up”. The corresponding noun for the “act of tidying” is уборка. The perfective verb, by the way, conjugates just like the root verb брать, “to take” — thus, я уберу, ты уберёшь…

While убирать/убрать means “to clean” in the sense of приводить/привести в порядок (“to put in order; make neat and tidy’), if the emphasis is on the removal of dirt/soil/filth, then the verb you need is отчищать/отчистить. The perfective is one of those countless «и»-conjugation verbs that has a consonant mutation only in the first person singular — so it’s я отчищу, but ты отчистишь, and so forth. And, incidentally, since the perfective is stem-stressed, you might assume that the imperative forms are «отчисть, отчистьте», but instead, it’s «отчисти, отчистите» — do you know why? Another thing about this verb: one doesn’t clean the dirt from the item; one cleans the item from the dirt! Thus:

Она очищает стену от варенья
“She’s cleaning the jam off the wall.”

The verbs стирать/стереть and вытирать/вытереть can both mean “to wipe away, wipe off (dirt from a surface)”, although стирать also has the important meaning “to launder clothes.” (Hence стиральная машина, “clothes-washing machine”.)

The perfective conjugations are slightly weird, and don’t quite match each other. So here are both perfective verbs summarized in one table:

And here’s just one more verb for now: мести/подмести, “to sweep”. Again, the conjugation is a little tricky, though at least the imperfective and perfective behave the same way:

The thing one sweeps with is a метла, “broom”, and you can either мести пол (“sweep the floor”) or мести сор/пыль/грязь с пола (“sweep the rubbish/dust/dirt from the floor”).

So, with those verbs in mind, let’s do some spring cleaning!

Everyone knows: Сначала вытереть пыль с мебели, полки, и т.п., потом пылесосить пол (“first dust the furniture, shelves, etc.; then vacuum the floor”). So the first step:

(1) Get a bunch of old тряпки, “rags”, along with a mild раствор нашатырного спирта в воде (“solution of ammonia in water”).

(2) Realize that before dusting, you should probably убрать выстиранную одежду (“clear away the laundered clothing”), которая уже три дня лежат кучей (“which for three days already has been lying in a heap”) on the half of the bed you don’t sleep on. Notice that your питомец-крыса выгрызла “декоративные” отверстия (“your pet rat has gnawed some decorative holes”) in the sleeve of your favorite old тенниска (“polo shirt”). Отложите рубашку (“set the shirt aside”) to be mended later, or never, and положить в комод (“place in a bureau/dresser”) or повесьте в шкаф (“hang in a closet”) the rest of the clothes.

(3) NOW it’s time to dust. Вставайте на стул (“stand on a chair”) and влажной тряпкой вытирайте пыль с окон и жалюзи (“with a damp rag, wipe the dust from the windows and blinds”). And don’t forget the паутину на потолке (“spiderwebs on the ceiling”) that have accumulated since LAST spring! Пока вы стоите на цыпочках (“While you are standing on tiptoes”) trying to reach a cobweb in the corner, almost lose your balance and accidentally столкните с подоконника горшок с кактусом (“knock a potted cactus off the windowsill”). Fortunately, neither the flowerpot nor the cactus is damaged, и вы можете не волноваться о земле на ковре (“you don’t have to worry about the soil on the carpet”) — remember, the plan is to vacuum AFTER you dust.

(4) This seems like a good time to take a break and perhaps сходить в магазин за пивом, “make a quick run to the store for beer,” as a little награда (“reward”) to yourself for this Herculean effort. Of course, since you’re all dusty, probably you should first принять душ (“take a shower”) before you leave the apartment. As you’re headed to the bathroom, notice the Post-It note you put on the bedroom door last night: «Не забудь помыть крысиную клетку завтра!!!» (“Don’t forget to wash the rat’s cage tomorrow!!!”) You might as well kill two or three birds with one stone, because when you убирать старую подстилку (“remove the old bedding/litter”) from the cage, inevitably some помёт (“droppings”) and шелуха от семечек (“sunflower-seed husks”) end up on the carpet, and you’re planning to vacuum later anyway. Plus, you can scrub the cage with bleach while you’re showering.

Sorry that I couldn’t find a larger version of this one. The guy is explaining to the уборщица (“cleaning woman”) that the pile of sawdust she just vacuumed up was the bedding for a hedgehog.

(5) Having showered and put nice fresh bedding in the sparkly clean cage, spend half an hour trying to catch the rat, которая бегает туда и сюда со всех ног (“who’s running hither and thither at full speed”). Прежде чем надеть носки, обязательно отчистить свои ноги от крысиного помёта (“before putting on your socks, be sure to clean the rat-poop off your feet”).

(6) Once you’re back from the store with the beer, садитесь на десять-пятнадцать минут и осматривайтесь по своей комнате с постепенно увеличивающимся чувством уныния (“sit down for 10 or 15 minutes and look around your room with a gradually increasing sense of angst”). Пылесосьте примерно квадратный метр ковра (“vacuum about one square meter of carpet”) immediately around the rat’s house and where the cactus spilled; then put the пылесос (“vacuum cleaner”) away and go cook dinner.

(7) Resolve to finish your “весенняя уборка” another day — до двадцать первого июня (“before June 21st”) is a good deadline to shoot for, in my view, because that’s when spring ends…

Long before Hollywood pop-culture began flooding from “Pindostan” into the ex-USSR, the distinctively Latin American genre known as telenovelas (теленовеллы or телесериал) had attained cult status in Russia (particularly, but not exclusively, among women).

«Богатые тоже плачут», The Rich Also Cry, was arguably the king of them all.

So in this post, let’s picture a scene from an imaginary теленовелла. Our beautiful (but naive) heroine María Simplemente has just been dumped by her boyfriend, Carlos Ricostambien, and has fled to the home of her best friend Dolores Fuertes de Barriga (known to her friends as Lola). And pay special attention to the
modal expressions marked in red:

МАРИЯ: О, Карлос, любимый мой! Как я скучаю по моему дорогому Карлосу! Почему он меня бросил? Горе мне!
MARIA: Oh, Carlos, my beloved! How I miss my darling Carlos! Why did he dump me? Woe is me!

ЛОЛА: Мария, пожалуй, тебе стоит позвонить Карлосу по телефону.
LOLA: Maria, perhaps it might make sense for you to call Carlos on the phone.

МАРИЯ: Не хочу! Не о чём разговорить с этим гадом!
I don’t want to! I’ve got nothing to talk about with that scumbag!

ЛОЛА: Милая, если тебе не угодно, тогда ты можешь не звонить Карлосу.
LOLA: Honey, if you don’t feel like it, then you don’t have to call Carlos.

МАРИЯ: Ну, конечно, мы с ним заняли у моего отца десять тысяч долларов, и Карлос ещё не выплатил долг…
Well, of course, he and I did borrow $10,000 from my father, and Carlos still hasn’t repayed the debt…

ЛОЛА: Значит, тебе надо позвонить Карлосу, ради твоего папы.
LOLA: So then, you have to call Carlos, for your dad’s sake.

МАРИЯ: Да, знаю. Только, я немного боюсь сообщать Карлосу, о ребёнке…
Yes, I know. But I’m just a little afraid to tell Carlos about the baby…

ЛОЛА: Как? Какой ребёнок? Мария, ты залетела?
LOLA: Huh? What baby? Maria, did you get knocked up?

МАРИЯ: Да, я беременная.
MARIA: Yes, I’m pregnant.

ЛОЛА: То ты обязана поговорить об этом с Карлосом! Тебе придётся позвонить ему!
LOLA: In that case you have a moral obligation to talk about this with Carlos! You’ve got no choice but to call him!

МАРИЯ: Довогорились, я позвоню моему милому Карлосу! Кажется, нам с ним суждено быть вместе, и я его очень люблю! Правда, он иногда угрожает мне ножом — время от времени. А только кодга он в трезвом состоянии…
MARIA: It’s settled, then. I’ll call my darling Carlos! I really think he and I were destined to be together, and I love him so much! True, sometimes he threatens me with a knife — from time to time. But only when he’s sober…

[Лола, в тревоге, выхватывает телефон у Марии]
[Lola, alarmed, snatches the phone from Maria]

ЛОЛА: Мария, милочка, лапушка, тебе не стоит звонить Карлосу. Тебе не надо звонить Карлосу. Тебе нельзя звонить Карлосу!
LOLA: Maria, honey, sweetie, it’s not worth it for you to call Carlos. You shouldn’t call Carlos. You’re not allowed to call Carlos!

МАРИЯ: Мне приходится позвонить Карлосу!
MARIA: I absolutely must call Carlos!

[Лола бросает мобильник в аквариум]
[Lola throws the cellphone into the fishtank]

ЛОЛА: Вот, теперь ты не можешь звонить Карлосу! В конце концов, я тебе запрещаю звонить Карлосу!
LOLA: Now you’re unable to call Carlos! I forbid you to call Carlos, and that settles it — end of story!

[тихо звонит телефон. Лола вытаскает его из воды.]
[the phone rings quietly. Lola hauls it out of the water.]

ЛОЛА: Аллё? Мария не может к телефону, она занята. А кто её просит? Карлос? Слушай, подлый урод ты, тебе не придётся поговорить больше с Марией!
LOLA: Hello? Maria can’t come to the phone, she’s busy. Who is this? Carlos? Listen, you lowlife creep, you don’t get to talk to Maria anymore!

* * * * * * * *

And now for a bit of analysis…

What’ll happen with Maria, Carlos, and the baby? Who cares — they’re just characters from a non-existent soap opera! But let’s talk a little more about “can’t”, “shouldn’t”, and other negated modal expressions in Russian. First, let’s recall that in non-negated sentences, the idea of “should, must, have to” can be rendered by different expressions having various shades of strength.

Кому-нибудь стоит делать что-нибудь.
Someone probably ought to do something.

(Or, “it wouldn’t be a bad idea”; or “it’d make sense”; “it would be worthwhile”, etc.) In other words, стоит can be translated “should,” but it’s a rather weak “should.”

Кому-нибудь следует делать что-нибудь.
Кому-нибудь надо делать что-нибудь.
Кто-то должен делать что-нибудь.
Someone should / has to / must do something.

These three are all intermediate in strength, and fairly similar in their shades of meaning — although следует can have the “it would probably make sense” implication of стоит, while должен can imply that the necessity to do something comes from some internal moral obligation. But to make that “ethical obligation” sense totally unambiguous, you can say, instead:

Кто-то обязан делать что-нибудь.
Someone is obliged (by morality/ethics/law) to do something.

Обязан is the masculine form, incidentally; like должен, it changes endings when the subject is feminine or plural: обязана, обязаны. The word обязательно, as you might guess, is related, but it has a broader connotation — meaning that something is “absolutely mandatory” or “inevitable,” but without the specific sense of an ethical/legal obligation:

Кому-нибудь обязательно делать что-нибудь.
Someone absolutely must do something.

Обязательно, что кто-нибудь будет делать что-нибудь.
Inevitably, someone is going to do something.

And finally, приходиться/прийтись can be used to mean a very strong “should” — usually in reference to something that is unpleasant, but unavoidable because of compelling external circumstances:

Кому-нибудь приходится делать что-нибудь.
Someone has no choice but to do something.

But now let’s look at what happens when the negative particle не is added to these expressions. Consider the following two English sentences:

You must speak with him.
You have to speak with him.

Essentially, they’re identical in meaning (perhaps with slight stylistic differences), and both could be translated with Тебе надо поговорить с ним. But when the English sentences are negated, they’re no longer synonyms:

You must not speak with him = “You’re not allowed” or “It would be a really bad idea”
You don’t have to speak with him. = “It’s simply unnecessary.”

And, in Russian, не надо (or нельзя) can convey the meaning “must not” or “it’s not allowed” or “it’s such a bad idea that it ought to be forbidden”. But не надо or нельзя won’t work if you mean “you don’t have to feel obliged; it’s not really necessary; you can skip doing it.” Instead, you can say:

Тебе не обязательно говорить с ним.
Ты можешь не говорить с ним.
You don’t have to speak with him.

You may have noticed that in the “positive” expression, Тебе надо поговорить с ним, the infinitive поговорить is perfective. (In fact, the imperfective говорить would be possible here, too, though it would suggest the need for a long and involved conversation; поговорить implies “have a brief word with”.)

But after negative modal expressions (either нельзя or a positive expression combined with не), more often than not you should use an imperfective infinitive. And in particular, the imperfective must be used when the meaning is “it’s forbidden, it’s not allowed, it’s immoral,” and so forth — because imperfectives, by their very nature, convey a broad and categorical meaning. (On the other hand, a perfective infinitive may be used in certain cases to convey the meaning “it’s not possible” or “it possibly won’t happen.”)

Finally, take note of where the не is placed in these two lines from Lola:

Ты можешь не звонить Карлосу.
You don’t have to call Carlos (if you’d rather not).

Ты не можешь звонить Карлосу.
You can’t call Carlos (because the phone is in the fishtank).

So, negating the verb мочь (“can; to be able”) gives the meaning “it’s not possible to do XYZ”; but negating the infinitive that comes AFTER мочь gives the meaning “it’s permissible to not do XYZ”.

P.S. If you’ve never seen a telenovela, this parody captures the flavor pretty well:

A: An electric elephant.

Or, in Russian:

Что это: Огромное, серое, и светит как лампочка?
– Электрический слон.

The Elephant Joke genre occurs in many different languages — generally, these jokes tend to “travel well” because their humor rarely depends on untranslatable puns, or on pop-culture references that quickly go stale.

And one finds them in Russian, too, although it’s usually impossible to be sure which of these jokes originated in Russian and which were translated from a foreign language.

Let’s take a look at a few more elephant jokes and their grammar. The “electric elephant” joke began with Что это:, but in jokes of the “What’s black and white and read all over?” type, one can also move the что это to the end of the question, as in this one:

Огромное, серое, медленно кружится, и вдруг взрывается — что это?
– Слон в микроволновой печке.

What’s huge, gray, spins around slowly, and suddenly explodes?
–An elephant in a microwave oven.

(Check out this post for more verbs that are more or less synonymous with кружиться, “to spin/turn/rotate.”)

And if you’re wondering how it’s possible to fit an elephant into a microwave, this joke explains the answer:

1. Как спрятать слона в холодильник?
а) Открыть холодильник.
б) Поместить туда слона.
в) Закрыть холодильник.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A) Open the refrigerator.
B) Put the elephant into it.
С) Close the refrigerator.

In some cases, as here, the verb прятать/спрятать (кого/что) (куда) can be translated simply as “to put someone/something into somewhere.” But to be more precise, this verb implies “to hide; to conceal”.

On the other hand, the verb помещать/поместить means “to put somewhere” without specifying a particular purpose like concealment, and without specifying whether you’re putting something onto an open shelf or an enclosed box. (Thus, I would recommend помещать/поместить as a multi-purpose verb worth memorizing.)

And the above joke has a follow-up:

2. Как уместить жирафа в холодильник?
а) Открыть холодильник.
б) Вынуть оттуда слона
в) Положить туда жирафа
г) Закрыть холодильник.

2. How do you fit a giraffe into an refrigerator?
A) Open the refrigerator.
B) Take out the elephant.
C) Put the giraffe in it.
D) Close the refrigerator.

The verb умещать/уместить also means “to put somewhere”, but it emphasizes a tight fit into a limited space: Я никак не мог уместить шинель в чемодан, “I just couldn’t squeeze the long winter coat into the suitcase.” (The traditional Army шинель is extremely heavy and bulky!) And класть/положить is yet another translation for “to put,” but it’s one of those position verbs and specifically emphasizes that you’re laying the giraffe down horizontally.

Finally, вынимать/вынуть is an antonym meaning “to take out of; to remove from out of”. It should be distinguished from снимать/снять, which also means “to remove” but in the sense “to take OFF,” not “to take OUT.”

And the joke continues:

3. Лев позвал всех зверей на собрание. Пришли все, кроме одного. Кто это?
Жираф — он же в холодильнике!

The lion called all the wild animals to a meeting. They all came, except one. Who was that?
The giraffe — he’s in the refrigerator!

Зверь (diminutive зверёк), in contrast to the generic животное, implies “a wild/non-domesticated animal.” And собрание is usually the best translation for “meeting” if you mean “a group conference” (as opposed to “a chance meeting on the street”). And the particle же is emphatic — in essence, it “italicizes” the word он before it.

Finally:

4. Как бы вы перешли реку, в которой водятся крокодилы, если моста нет?
Я переплыл бы, ведь крокодилы все у льва на собрании.

How would you cross a river which is inhabited by crocodiles, if there’s no bridge?
I’d swim across, since all the crocodiles are at the meeting with the lion.

Although the verb водиться derives from водить, “to guide,” it does NOT translate as “to guide oneself.” Here, it means “to generally be/exist”, and in this sense it’s used mainly in the third person, especially about animals. A synonymous phrase would be в которой бывают крокодилы — also meaning that crocodiles, as a general rule, can be found in this river (whether or not there are crocodiles there at this very minute). Or, finally, you could say в которой живут крокодилы — “in which crocodiles live.”

And in the answer, note that ведь means “since” only in the sense of “after all,” never in the sense of “I’ve been doing this since yesterday.”

If you’re a little tired of elephants, here’s another example of a Russian joke that’s internationally funny. And by the way, note the extreme “minimalism” of the first line — just grammatical fragments with no complete sentences, and not even an actual verb (except as a participle). That’s quite common in the set-ups to Russian jokes.

Деревня. Поздний вечер. Дом. Скрип подъезжающей телеги. Стук в дверь:
– «Хозяин, вам дрова нужны?
– «Нет, браток, спасибо.»
Наутро хозяин просыпается — а дров в сарае нет.

A village. Late evening. A house. The squeak of an approaching handcart. A knock at the door:
– “Sir (literally, “master of the house”), do you need firewood?”
– “No, buddy, thanks.”
The next morning the owner of the house wakes up — and there’s no firewood in the shed.

Here, there’s just a little bit of wordplay based on the ambiguity of нужен/”needed”, but the wordplay works the same in both languages — it can mean either “I don’t have any and must get some” or “I already have some, but I can’t part with any of it.” (Okay, maybe it’s not exactly laugh-out-loud funny — it’s one where you slap your head after you think about it for a minute.)

And here’s a joke with the same-but-opposite logic, though I think this one is funnier:

Туманное утро, мужик идёт по лесу. Вдруг из тумана появляется ёжик и говорит:
– «Пацан, у тебя верёвка есть?»
– «Нет.»
Ёжик исчезает.
Через несколько часов он снова появляется перед мужиком, протягивает верёвку и говорит:
– «На!»

It’s a foggy morning, and a guy is walking through the forest. Suddenly out of the fog a little hedgehog appears and says:
– “Hey, dude, do you have a rope?”
– “No.”
The hedgehog disappears.
In a few hours, the hedgehog again appears in front of the man, stretches out a length of rope, and says:
– “Here ya go!”

(Yelena once told a variant in which an exterminator asks a housewife: “Do you have any cockroaches?”, with the identical punchline «На!» — “Here, have some!”)

And finally, since we’ve been talking mainly about clean jokes for kids, here’s something just a wee bit edgier, as a palate-cleanser.

Винни-Пух приходит к Пятачку и говорит:
- «Я хочу открыть кооператив «Медок». Ты мне поможешь?»
- «Ух ты! Конечно! Мёд будешь продавать?» — отвечает Пятачок.
- «Нет, мёд я буду покупать, а продавать я буду свинину!»

Winnie the Pooh comes to Piglet’s house and says:
– “I want to open a cooperative store called «Bit O’ Honey™». Will you help me?”
– “Gosh, are you kidding?! Of course I’ll help! Are you going to sell honey?” responds Piglet.
– “No, I’m going to buy honey, but I’m going to sell pork!”

Take careful note of the Russian word order in the last line. As a general rule of Russian syntax, moving a word to the end of a clause or sentence can serve to emphasize that it’s new or important information. (In the English translation, I’ve used italics instead.)

Piglet has already mentioned мёд in line 3, so that’s “old info.” And thus Pooh responds in line 4, with old information in blue and new information in red: «мёд я буду покупать, а продавать я буду свинину». Putting свинину at the end of its clause is not only consistent with the general rules of syntax, but also saves the “punch” for the very end of the punchline!

“We sure had a good time! It’s too bad that Piglet left so early…”

(Keep in mind that the Soviet-made Винни-Пух cartoons became eternally beloved cult classics in Russia — a status never really achieved by the Disney version in America. And hence the rather extensive catalog of tasteless jokes parodying Pooh and his friends. Usually cute little Пятачок is the one who suffers, probably because his squeaky voice has a certain Tickle-Me-Elmo quality.)