OK, are you ready? I know I am. We have plenty of popcorn and drinks and as soon as this bizarre intro of Cirque de Soleil is over, the final will begin for real.<\/p>\n
How will Sweden do tonight? I have no idea. I doubt we will win, however since it just so happens that I’m not in Sweden right now, you know who will get my vote. I may not like the song, but I’ll vote for it anyway. Oh, the things we do for the glory of Sweden…<\/p>\n
First, the repeat of last year’s winning song “Believe” by this guy with a very difficult Russian name. What happened to the skater? His fee must have increased this year…<\/p>\n
The MC lady is wearing a dead chicken for a dress. Very strange…<\/p>\n
Lithuania goes first. Not a bad song, and I predict it will get high votes from the UK (lots of Lithuanian immigrants over there), Ireland (lots of Lithuanian immigrants over there) and a few former Soviet republics (bloc voting at its finest).<\/p>\n
Israel has the most politically correct song in the contest. But it won’t win anyway.<\/p>\n
Number three – France – Patricia Kaas. It won’t win either. It’s not tacky and schmaltzy enough. And there are no fiddles in it. You gotta have fiddles in your song if you want to win…<\/p>\n
Number four – SVERIGE SVERIGE<\/strong>!!! Malena<\/strong>, go, go Malena<\/strong>! The robotons in black are still very distracting, and Malena still can’t hit those notes. But she’s getting my vote anyway. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n Croatia – meh… I’m going to get some popcorn now.<\/p>\n Portugal – this song is way too classy for Eurovision, and the lady’s not attractive enough. Sorry, but you can’t win without showing some flesh.<\/p>\n Iceland – the more I listen to it the more it sounds like a Sarah Brightman rip-off. It’s a nice song, and it has string instruments (absolutely necessary for a winning song). But what would happen if Iceland wins this contest? Can they really afford to host it next year? I don’t think so…<\/p>\n Greece – a dude named Sucky? Channeling David Hasselhoff? This might win. I wouldn’t be surprised.<\/p>\n Armenia – they have fiddles, ethno-beat, smoke and fire. A total nightmare. Which means it will go far.<\/p>\n Russia – I like this song very much, actually. But I can tell you right now that I like the official music video even more. The lady looks awful on the big screen. Yuk!<\/p>\n Azerbaijan – Arash! Arash! Yes, definitely, the duo is showing off her best assets, if you know what I mean. They can win. Malena or Arash? This is a tough choice indeed…<\/p>\n Bosnia – those guys are kind of good-looking, but their costumes? Who thinks up these things?<\/p>\n Moldova – more ethno-pop, turbo-folk and some very energetic dancing. Oh my… I predict some tough competition for Azerbaijan.<\/p>\n Malta – did Sarah Dawn Finer move to Malta and nobody told us?<\/p>\n Estonia – they’re very pretty and have fiddles. But no fires, no smoke and no undressed dancing men. Hmmm… The song is stunning though.<\/p>\n Denmark – not bad at all. Would have been even better if the lead singer had decided to show off his six-pack. Didn’t they learn anything last year. The flying, open shirt? Hello?<\/p>\n Germany – my eyes, my eyes!!! I’m blinded by those pants…<\/p>\n Turkey – we have fire and plenty of those assets that really matter in the Eurovision song contest. And that she can’t sing, well, that’s besides the point, right?<\/p>\n Albania – are the dancers wearing face masks? They really took this swine flu scare very seriously.<\/p>\n Norway – I’m yodeling along. I like it. Norway definitely has been paying attention (unlike Sweden) to what the Eurovision crowd enjoys.<\/p>\n Ukraine – plenty of assets on this stage. Very little talent, but who cares about talent in this contest, right? The men in my household just went crazy…<\/p>\n Romania – the men in my household are still going crazy… Unfortunately, strategically positioned silicone has that effect on some guys…<\/p>\n The UK – a song composed by Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber. Must have been one of his rejects then.<\/p>\n Finland – sorry, but Waldo’s People can’t compete with Moldova and Ukraine.<\/p>\n Spain – anything is better than their Robocopo entry of last year. Better but not good enough.<\/p>\n OK, let the voting begin \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n Still waiting for the very classy intermission to finish. Are they swimming on the stage??? Whoa!!! This is better than a wet t-shirt contest. Eurovision sure has come a long way…<\/p>\n And the results are in:<\/p>\n Spain gives 12 points to Norway!!! Sweden – zero.<\/p>\n Belgium gives zero to Sweden (12 to Turkey)<\/p>\n Belarus gives 12 points to Norway (of course! Alexander is from Minsk). Sweden – still zero.<\/p>\n Malta – Thank you Malta!!! 4 points for Sweden.<\/p>\n Germany – 12 points to Norway, just as I thought.<\/p>\n I don’t like this new voting system… Now 50% of the votes from any given country come from a panel of judges and 50% from the viewers. And that is messing the stuff up this year.<\/p>\n Sweden – I see Azerbaijan moving up. And Norway is still leading…<\/p>\n Iceland gives 12 points to the cutest guy in the contest – Norway.<\/p>\n France liked the Turkish assets, I see.<\/p>\n Israel – another 12 points to Norway…<\/p>\n Russia – same as above…<\/p>\n (Nobody loves Sweden…)<\/p>\n Latvia – OK, Norway is going to win it!!!<\/p>\n I can stop counting the votes now… And I am super pleasantly surprised that the best song is leading (sorry Malena<\/strong>).<\/p>\n Sweden has lost, again. It’s sad, but then again, that was to be expected. Sweden hasn’t been paying attention, again. Norway came up with a really cool, original song that almost everybody predicted would win. And we? We should have kept Arash at home. Then at least we could have placed in the top 5. And now? Zip. Zilch. Nada.<\/p>\n Grattis Norge<\/strong>!!! The best song won! See you next year in Oslo! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n PS. Didn’t I tell you that you need to have fiddles and folky dancing in your song, if you want to win? \ud83d\ude09 Throw in a couple of pretty girls and it’s a slam-dunk. And oh yeah, a nice, catchy tune helps too.<\/p>\n Unlike Sweden, Norway has been paying attention.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" OK, are you ready? I know I am. We have plenty of popcorn and drinks and as soon as this bizarre intro of Cirque de Soleil is over, the final will begin for real. How will Sweden do tonight? I have no idea. I doubt we will win, however since it just so happens that…<\/p>\n