Today let’s watch one of the best, most beloved Soviet comedies, The Diamond Arm. Almost every single line uttered by the all-star cast became a source of one-liners, анекдоты (jokes), крылатые выражения (catch phrases). The movie was so successful and entered быт (everyday life) so firmly, that it is still frequently quoted and referenced.

The movie is about банда контрабандистов (a band of smugglers) trying to smuggle some бриллианты (diamonds) into Soviet Union. To avoid attention from the КГБ (KGB) as well as save on таможенные пошлины (custom duties), they come up with a genius idea. One of them would fake перелом руки (a broken arm) and hide the diamonds в гипсе (in a cast).

Sounds like a great plan, doesn’t it? Except fate interferes, в облике простого советского гражданина Семёна Семёновича Горбункова (in a guise of a simple Soviet citizen Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov). Gorbunkov is fun to watch. He is this modern day Иванушка-дурачок (Ivan the Fool) of the fairy tales – простак (a simpleton), наивный (naive), добродушный (kind-hearted), без задней мысли (without a hidden agenda).

One day, Mr. Gorbunkov gets to go on увлекательнейшее путешествие (the most engaging trip), a cruise to be exact. He goes without his lovely wife and the kids since average families were not allowed to go abroad together for fear of defecting. Instead, the family would stay in the USSR as a sort of заложники (hostages).

On board of the cruise ship Gorbunkov meets his suite mate, Геша Козодоев (Gesha Kozodoev). Gesha is just the opposite of Gorbunkov – молодой (young), одинокий (single), одетый по последней европейской моде (dressed according to the latest European fashion), бывалый путешественник (seasoned traveller). The two strike up an unlikely friendship. Yet, unbeknownst to Semyon Semyonich, Gesha is also a smuggler.

Finally, the ship stops в последнем иностранном порту (at the last foreign port). That’s when the plot thickens. But not until after the now-classic scene takes place. Semyon Semyonich, trying to take a picture, falls behind his tour group and is being dragged inside by уличная девица (a prostitute). He doesn’t have any idea what’s going on (remember, officially prostitution did not exist in the USSR nor did sex) and what the girl wants from him and instead things she’s asking him for help.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGbQ1xKII1Y

Gesha rescues his friend, saying to the girl бессмертная фраза (the immortal phrase) “руссо туристо, облико морале!” I am not sure if any of these words actually exist in any of the languages, but a speaker of Russian will undoubtedly understand that Gesha meant “высокий моральный облик русского туриста” (high morals of a Russian tourist).

Finally, the organized tour is over and туристы are allowed to explore on their own. As Gesha tries to escape unnoticed to make it to the rendezvous, Gorbunkov catches up with him. Afraid to blow his cover, Gesha has no choice but to take Gorbunkov on a stroll as if nothing is going on. At the first opportunity Gesha делает ноги (slang: escapes) and promptly becomes lost. Gorbunkov also теряется (becomes lost), but somehow passes by the rendezvous point, slips on a watermelon rind, falls and exclaims Чёрт побери! (darn it! lit: Devil take you!) which happens to be the password.

Unconscious, he is whisked into the building and his arm is put in a cast laced with diamonds and other ценности (valuables). And by the time Gesha finds his way around, there’s nothing left for him to smuggle. His only option is to stay close to Gorbunkov and try to get the diamonds while лопух ничего не знает (the simpleton [Gorbunkov] doesn’t know anything). At least Gesha thinks Gorbunkov doesn’t suspect anything since Gorbunkov plays along with his лаконичный (brief, in a nutshell) account of the accident: поскользнулся, упал, потерял сознание, очнулся – гипс (slipped, fell, became unconscious, came to in a cast).

Ok, I’m not going to do a play by play of the rest of the movie. Let’s just say that our Ivan the Fool goes through вода, огонь и медные трубы (serious ordeals, lit: water, fire and copper pipes) helping органы (authorities) to catch the smugglers. Along the way he almost gets seduced, almost loses his family, almost gets пьяный в стельку (wasted), almost finishes singing on stage, almost gives a lecture, almost becomes known as не наш человек (not one of us, an outsider) and almost breaks his leg.

In the mean time, Gesha is facing a different challenge. He has to deal with his partner in crime, Лёлек (Lyolek) who is a violent and rude type. Lyolek’s threats, such as буду бить аккуратно, но сильно (I will hit you carefully, but with force) and curses, чтобы я тебя видел в гробу в белых тапках (I will see you laying in a coffin in white shoes) and чтобы тебе жить на одну зарплату (curse you to live on a salary alone) have become classic. Aside from dealing with Lyolek, Gesha must survive a pair of malfunctioning брюки (trousers), a near-fatal fishing trip, a bar fight, an epic hangover, and a few other происшествия (accidents).

If this sounds interesting, then what are you waiting for? Start watching the movie on YouTube today and  next time I’ll teach you the highly awesome Песня про зайцев (Song About Hares).