A: An electric elephant.

Or, in Russian:

Что это: Огромное, серое, и светит как лампочка?
— Электрический слон.

The Elephant Joke genre occurs in many different languages — generally, these jokes tend to “travel well” because their humor rarely depends on untranslatable puns, or on pop-culture references that quickly go stale.

And one finds them in Russian, too, although it’s usually impossible to be sure which of these jokes originated in Russian and which were translated from a foreign language.

Let’s take a look at a few more elephant jokes and their grammar. The “electric elephant” joke began with Что это:, but in jokes of the “What’s black and white and read all over?” type, one can also move the что это to the end of the question, as in this one:

Огромное, серое, медленно кружится, и вдруг взрывается — что это?
— Слон в микроволновой печке.

What’s huge, gray, spins around slowly, and suddenly explodes?
–An elephant in a microwave oven.

(Check out this post for more verbs that are more or less synonymous with кружиться, “to spin/turn/rotate.”)

And if you’re wondering how it’s possible to fit an elephant into a microwave, this joke explains the answer:

1. Как спрятать слона в холодильник?
а) Открыть холодильник.
б) Поместить туда слона.
в) Закрыть холодильник.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
A) Open the refrigerator.
B) Put the elephant into it.
С) Close the refrigerator.

In some cases, as here, the verb прятать/спрятать (кого/что) (куда) can be translated simply as “to put someone/something into somewhere.” But to be more precise, this verb implies “to hide; to conceal”.

On the other hand, the verb помещать/поместить means “to put somewhere” without specifying a particular purpose like concealment, and without specifying whether you’re putting something onto an open shelf or an enclosed box. (Thus, I would recommend помещать/поместить as a multi-purpose verb worth memorizing.)

And the above joke has a follow-up:

2. Как уместить жирафа в холодильник?
а) Открыть холодильник.
б) Вынуть оттуда слона
в) Положить туда жирафа
г) Закрыть холодильник.

2. How do you fit a giraffe into an refrigerator?
A) Open the refrigerator.
B) Take out the elephant.
C) Put the giraffe in it.
D) Close the refrigerator.

The verb умещать/уместить also means “to put somewhere”, but it emphasizes a tight fit into a limited space: Я никак не мог уместить шинель в чемодан, “I just couldn’t squeeze the long winter coat into the suitcase.” (The traditional Army шинель is extremely heavy and bulky!) And класть/положить is yet another translation for “to put,” but it’s one of those position verbs and specifically emphasizes that you’re laying the giraffe down horizontally.

Finally, вынимать/вынуть is an antonym meaning “to take out of; to remove from out of”. It should be distinguished from снимать/снять, which also means “to remove” but in the sense “to take OFF,” not “to take OUT.”

And the joke continues:

3. Лев позвал всех зверей на собрание. Пришли все, кроме одного. Кто это?
Жираф — он же в холодильнике!

The lion called all the wild animals to a meeting. They all came, except one. Who was that?
The giraffe — he’s in the refrigerator!

Зверь (diminutive зверёк), in contrast to the generic животное, implies “a wild/non-domesticated animal.” And собрание is usually the best translation for “meeting” if you mean “a group conference” (as opposed to “a chance meeting on the street”). And the particle же is emphatic — in essence, it “italicizes” the word он before it.

Finally:

4. Как бы вы перешли реку, в которой водятся крокодилы, если моста нет?
Я переплыл бы, ведь крокодилы все у льва на собрании.

How would you cross a river which is inhabited by crocodiles, if there’s no bridge?
I’d swim across, since all the crocodiles are at the meeting with the lion.

Although the verb водиться derives from водить, “to guide,” it does NOT translate as “to guide oneself.” Here, it means “to generally be/exist”, and in this sense it’s used mainly in the third person, especially about animals. A synonymous phrase would be в которой бывают крокодилы — also meaning that crocodiles, as a general rule, can be found in this river (whether or not there are crocodiles there at this very minute). Or, finally, you could say в которой живут крокодилы — “in which crocodiles live.”

And in the answer, note that ведь means “since” only in the sense of “after all,” never in the sense of “I’ve been doing this since yesterday.”

If you’re a little tired of elephants, here’s another example of a Russian joke that’s internationally funny. And by the way, note the extreme “minimalism” of the first line — just grammatical fragments with no complete sentences, and not even an actual verb (except as a participle). That’s quite common in the set-ups to Russian jokes.

Деревня. Поздний вечер. Дом. Скрип подъезжающей телеги. Стук в дверь:
— «Хозяин, вам дрова нужны?
— «Нет, браток, спасибо.»
Наутро хозяин просыпается — а дров в сарае нет.

A village. Late evening. A house. The squeak of an approaching handcart. A knock at the door:
— “Sir (literally, “master of the house”), do you need firewood?”
— “No, buddy, thanks.”
The next morning the owner of the house wakes up — and there’s no firewood in the shed.

Here, there’s just a little bit of wordplay based on the ambiguity of нужен/”needed”, but the wordplay works the same in both languages — it can mean either “I don’t have any and must get some” or “I already have some, but I can’t part with any of it.” (Okay, maybe it’s not exactly laugh-out-loud funny — it’s one where you slap your head after you think about it for a minute.)

And here’s a joke with the same-but-opposite logic, though I think this one is funnier:

Туманное утро, мужик идёт по лесу. Вдруг из тумана появляется ёжик и говорит:
— «Пацан, у тебя верёвка есть?»
— «Нет.»
Ёжик исчезает.
Через несколько часов он снова появляется перед мужиком, протягивает верёвку и говорит:
— «На!»

It’s a foggy morning, and a guy is walking through the forest. Suddenly out of the fog a little hedgehog appears and says:
— “Hey, dude, do you have a rope?”
— “No.”
The hedgehog disappears.
In a few hours, the hedgehog again appears in front of the man, stretches out a length of rope, and says:
— “Here ya go!”

(Yelena once told a variant in which an exterminator asks a housewife: “Do you have any cockroaches?”, with the identical punchline «На!» — “Here, have some!”)

And finally, since we’ve been talking mainly about clean jokes for kids, here’s something just a wee bit edgier, as a palate-cleanser.

Винни-Пух приходит к Пятачку и говорит:
– «Я хочу открыть кооператив «Медок». Ты мне поможешь?»
– «Ух ты! Конечно! Мёд будешь продавать?» — отвечает Пятачок.
– «Нет, мёд я буду покупать, а продавать я буду свинину!»

Winnie the Pooh comes to Piglet’s house and says:
— “I want to open a cooperative store called «Bit O’ Honey™». Will you help me?”
— “Gosh, are you kidding?! Of course I’ll help! Are you going to sell honey?” responds Piglet.
— “No, I’m going to buy honey, but I’m going to sell pork!”

Take careful note of the Russian word order in the last line. As a general rule of Russian syntax, moving a word to the end of a clause or sentence can serve to emphasize that it’s new or important information. (In the English translation, I’ve used italics instead.)

Piglet has already mentioned мёд in line 3, so that’s “old info.” And thus Pooh responds in line 4, with old information in blue and new information in red: «мёд я буду покупать, а продавать я буду свинину». Putting свинину at the end of its clause is not only consistent with the general rules of syntax, but also saves the “punch” for the very end of the punchline!

(Keep in mind that the Soviet-made Винни-Пух cartoons became eternally beloved cult classics in Russia — a status never really achieved by the Disney version in America. And hence the rather extensive catalog of tasteless jokes parodying Pooh and his friends. Usually cute little Пятачок is the one who suffers, probably because his squeaky voice has a certain Tickle-Me-Elmo quality.)