Swedes and physical contact Posted by Katja on Aug 31, 2011 in Culture, Living in Sweden
I never really thought about how physical relationships in different countries might be or how our physical interaction with each other takes place.
In my case I was born and grew up in Sweden, so I took the way I had always been doing things to be the “right” way. At school my friends and I, while waiting for the next lesson, would hang out in the corridors and since there were never enough benches that meant we sat on the floor most of the time. Our way of entertaining ourselves was to, amongst other things, sprawl on top of each other, or lie with your head on somebody’s lap while they would have their head on yet somebody else’s shoulder etc.
Most, if not every morning when I got to school I would hug and be hugged by somebody. The same thing when going home. If I had a bad day there would be a hugs throughout the day because my friends knew that a tough day might become just a little easier with a couple of hugs. Or if somebody was just feeling happy then our physical interaction would mirror that too.
I would say that when young people get together they don’t hesitate at all about lying all on top of each other, actually a lot of jokes amongst teenagers in Sweden are quite physical. Physical interaction is a natural part of communication and just being. There doesn’t have to be an extremely deep relationship between the people involved, nor does the actual contact have a deeper significance.
I say all this because I took it for granted that teenagers all over the world were as relaxed about touching each other as Swedes were. I was in total shock when I went to Japan for a one year exchange, and realized very quickly that the people I met very rarely hugged each other goodnight, or showed affection in a physical way. This felt like being starved for physical contact. For me that contact was like proof of people’s feelings, and that we had a working relationship. To me people felt a little cold and very distant when hugging wasn’t used in everyday life. After my experiences I started thinking about why we in Sweden are so relaxed when it comes to interacting with people and if it is a good or bad thing that we are. Is your impression of Swedes one that they are carefree and relaxed when it comes to physical contact?
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Comments:
Kenia:
For a minute when i read the post title i thought you were going to say exactly the opposite! Coming from Cuba my opinion is that swedes are pretty cold in their contact with friends and family, some will hug you everyday if they see you, but that’s not the rule. Most will just say “hej” and walk by. Of course in Japan the reality might be very different and compared to them, swedes might seem to be overly fond of physical contact, but just go to the other side of the Atlantic and you will think otherwise =), trust me.
Renata:
I totally agree with Kenia. I’m Brazilian and I also think that Swedes are pretty cold in their contacts. Comparing from what I am used in Brazil, is completely the opposite.
Amy Hodges:
I agree with Kenia. I was always taught or it was joked that my relatives were “cold Swedes”. They were very friendly and we were somewhat affectionate in a minor way, but not like how you were talking. Especially if I were to compare them to Italians and how they greet everyone with a hug and kiss. This is very nice to know about Swedish Teens.
ottilia:
hi. i just read your post, it is interesting to read an other point of wiew on this . i had the exact opposite experience , seemed to me they touch or hug each other quite rarely, and that they keep a larger physical distance from each other than in Middle Europe, for instance. i read somewere that this might have to do with the geometrical particularities of the country, that few people live on a relatively large area..:)
But this is a matter of comparison, i guess. like they interract even less in Japan..
Kram!:)
Dafne Ink:
I’m so surprised reading this! I heard stories of latin american friends visiting Sweden and feeling awkward because of the bows keeping the distance, and the lack of physical contact or warmth in exchanges. Is like they are not rude, but they lack of curiosity of the other’s feelings, or as they are very self conscious.
Thanks.
Angelica:
As a Brazilian, I kind of agree with the above comment, in the sense that South Americans are more relaxed than North Europeans in general when it comes to physical contact.
Having said that, I don’t think Swedes are cold at all (despite the weather :p ), and I thin that I have been properly hugged each time I’ve visited Sweden. 🙂 Maybe I’m biased because I just love you people and your country, but compared to, say, the English, the Swedes are way more relaxed.
R:
The whole time I was reading this, I was waiting for the punchline. I don’t know what part of Sweden you grew up in or what decade, but being “physical” is most definitely NOT something I have ever witnessed from any Swede.
Kristofer:
I was also going to say the opposite, espacially for the male population. Teenage girls are the extremes when it comes to physical contact in Sweden, if you take a look at the boys in the same age it’s very different. Being a boy physical contact is rare, and most boys are awful at hugging. I would describe Sweden as a ” cold” nation in that sense.
Holden:
I totally understand the swedes here. I’ve been raised in a bicultural family and half of it is from arab countries. There, we hug each other hello and goodbye, even men hug each other so it has never been a problem to me. However, I started studying Korean and had kind of a shock realizing their culture is completely different on this matter. I’m also used to kissing people hello and goodbye as we do in France and I can’t imagine having to control and contain what is so very natural for me. You put it in the most accurate and appropriate words, physical contact starvation.
Anyway, this is a side of Sweden’s I’m very pleased to know about. 🙂
Kalevi:
I always thought that Swedes and other Scandinavians would be closer to how I perceive Finns: a little on the cold side of things, until you are friends. I don’t know if that’s accurate or if it’s a stereotype that I’ve just bought into, though. 😛
Nikki:
In England we are a pretty touchy feely bunch too. I have just come back from my second trip to Stockholm and on a night out I made some friends, and they were all very touchy feely. It was just like being at home!
Barbara:
Hi, in my experience Swedes have a very warm character, so what you say does not surprise me at all.
J. Eric:
Have you ever thought that flu and virus epidemics that killed millions in Europe has something to do with demonstrated affection south of the Alps and reserved affection north of the Alps.
Just thinking out loud….
What do you think?
Dave S:
I’ll join the above commenters in expressing my surprise at the direction your post went. Coming from the US, my experiences in Sweden have felt very much like how you described your time in Japan.
But, then, I haven’t seen or interacted with many Swedish teens, only college students and older. Perhaps it’s a generational difference?
Erik:
I think that most of you who say that swedes are cold is building you impression on how we act in public, large workplaces out on town meeting some acquaintances (not friends) and new people. What you must realize is that school is in private and I agree whit Katja between friends hugs are not unusual and then they are intimate hugs between friends.
That said we are not quite at ease with other greetings than handshakes with people who is not close friends.
A commonplace game between teenagers and even older is a type of lord of the manner where a group decides to wrestle one person to the ground and makes a human pile on top.
And at last, as Katja said physical contact i relaxed in what form it is given.
Ariane:
I have to agree with the first three commenters. I always had the impression that Scandinavians were aloof and not affectionate at all.
Annie:
Just throwing in my two cents here as a Swede and somebody just recently out of her teens but with a much older sister:
I definitely agree with the above posters about Swedes being physically distant – however, this mostly depends on your social circle, your setting, and your level of relationship.
For example, Swedish teens are generally touchy-feely with each other once they’ve established some form of common basis with you; i.e you’ve been attending the same class for x months or hanging out on a frequent basis, or you meet at a house-party and have friends in common. It can even get to the point where it can get a bit uncomfortable for people from other cultures, especially at aforementioned parties, where kissing games even among the same gender are common. (Kisses are rarer outside of party settings, though, but hugs and having your arms around each other’s shoulders is pretty normal among friends.)
The older you get, the more reserved people tend to be when they meet you, though. With new people or in professional settings, Swedes are often as “cold” as they’re known to be. But once they’ve warmed up to you, the amount of PDA among older people doesn’t differ that much from younger ones, save that you don’t really sprawl around on floors when you’re thirty years old 😛
Note that it also depends on what kind of physical affection you allude to. In some parts of Asia, for instance, it’s very normal to hold hands with your friends or have a hand on somebody’s knee/thigh while talking, whereas the same things would probably cause some misunderstandings in Sweden. Hugs are also mostly given for some specific reason; i.e greetings/saying goodbye, when you express happiness/comfort to someone, etc. Random full-on hugs out of the blue (which I’ve encountered in Italy, for example) can still be perceived as weird between friends unless you’ve known each other for quite some time or are very, very close.