Are you getting tired of telling the driver behind you to Save the Pygmy Hippos? Or maybe you’re thinking that it’s time to scrape off that Re-Elect Carter 1980 bumper-sticker?

Well, allow me to offer 10 Russian остроты (“aphorisms; witticisms; quips”) that’d be perfect for a custom-made bumper-sticker. Or a (нагрудный) значок (“pin-on lapel button”). Or even a татуировка — but remember that it costs quite a lot to have an unwanted tattoo lasered off.

As far as I know, incidentally, there isn’t a specific Russian word for “bumpersticker.” The word наклейка means “adhesive sticker applied for decoration” or “a decal”. And the term автонаклейка is a “car decal,” but it can refer to large ones that are intended for the rear windshield or doors.

Anyway, on with the list.

For free-speech supporters and those with generally libertarian sentiments, here’s a classic from Екатерина II (Великая) (Catherine II, aka the Great):

1. С идеями пушками не воюют.
Ideas are not to be fought with cannons.

Grammar point: after verbs that mean “to fight,” such as воевать, the adversary/foe can be expressed either with с кем/чем (instrumental) or против кого/чего (genitive). So «Против идей пушками не воюют» would mean the same thing, but it loses the semi-rhyme of «идеями пушками».

Of course, while Екатерина Великая really was a personal admirer of the European Enlightenment and a regular pen-pal of Voltaire, at home she was far from libertarian, and historians have criticized her unwillingness to take any steps towards the ending of serfdom.

(I made this one myself. I hope the figures in the image are recognizable at this resolution!)

2. Если людоед пользуется вилкой и ножом — разве это прогресс?
If a cannibal uses a fork and knife — is that progress?

Don’t forget that the verb пользоваться (“to use”) takes an instrumental object, while the synonymous verbs использовать and употреблять/употребить take the accusative.

This observation about well-mannered cannibals is one of the all-time pithiest quotes by Polish writer Станислав Ежи Лец (Stanisław Jerzy Lec), a highly prolific author of quips and aphorisms who gets nine full pages at this excellent Russian-language collection of notable quotes. (But don’t confuse him with Polish sci-fi writer Станислав Лем (Stanisław Lem), best known for Solaris.)

As I said, Mr. Lec offers a goldmine of clever observations to choose from, but here’s another one of his that I like:

3. Даже из мечты можно сварить варенье, если добавить фруктов и сахару.
You can make jam out of nothing but a daydream, so long as you add a bit of fruit and sugar.

Or, as we might say in English, “Your good intentions plus fifty cents will buy you a cup of coffee.”

The remaining slogans in the post are of less certain authorship — some came from an online list credited to Ukrainian-born satirist Михаил Жванецкий, but it wasn’t clear to me if he originated all of them or just liked to quote them.

4. Любого автомобиля хватит до конца жизни, если ездить достаточно лихо.
Any car can last for the rest of your life, if you drive recklessly enough.

Depending on the context, the adjective лихой can mean either “daring; showing bravado” or “excessively reckless.” And the noun лихач means “a reckless driver.” Also, as a point of grammar, let’s take a closer look at this phrase:

любого автомобиля хватит

Here, the verb хватать/хватить, “to suffice, be enough” is in its 3rd-singular future perfect form — “it will be enough” — although we can use a present-tense construction in English. And the person/thing/substance that there is enough of is expressed with the genitive — thus, автомобиля. Also, for example, Мне времени не хватает, “I don’t have enough time,” literally “It isn’t enough of time for me.”

If, like me, you are prone to «тянуть канитель» (i.e., to procrastinate), here’s a bumper-aphorism that may motivate you to carpe diem:

5. В любом из нас спит гений. И с каждым днём всё крепче…
In each and every one of us, Genius sleeps. And with each passing day, it sleeps all the more soundly…

The language in this one is simple and straightforward. However, take note of the phrase всё крепче. Generally speaking, using всё with an adjective or adverb in the comparative degree gives the meaning “all the more X” or “more and more X-ly.” Thus, реже is “rarer” or “more rarely”, and всё реже would be “more and more rarely.”

6. Костюм “Евы” мне очень идёт, только ушить нужно кое-где.
I look really good in my Eve costume (i.e., “birthday suit”) — it just needs to be taken in here and there.

Presumably, this would be on a car driven by a woman — for a male driver, it would be костюм “Адама” (“an Adam suit”), but otherwise the phrasing stays exactly the same. And what about that pronoun кое-где? Essentially, it means the same thing as в некоторых местах, “in certain places.” And, in general, when the prefix кое- is attached to an interrogative pronoun, it adds the meaning of “certain ones” or “some, but not all”.

когда-то — “at some time; once”
кое-когда — “at certain times; now and then”
когда-нибудь — “at any time; ever”

In other words, кое- is a bit less definite than the suffix -то, but a bit more definite than -нибудь.

Another one that I made with Photoshop

7. Обидно, когда твои мечты сбываются у других!
It’s so annoying when your fantasies come true for other people!

Note that обижать/обидеть is “to offend,” and обидно can therefore mean “offensive.” But sometimes, as here, it’s better translated with such English expressions as “It’s annoying”, “It’s frustrating”, “It gets on your nerves”, etc.

8. Чистая совесть – признак плохой памяти.
A clean conscience is a symptom that your memory is faulty.

Once again, the grammar is quite simple. I chose this one not only because it’s wryly funny, but because I sometimes get совесть, “conscience”, mixed up with сознание, “consciousness.” Here are a few related expressions:

на совести — on one’s conscience (Это лежит на моей совести, This weighs on my conscience.)
на совесть — conscientiously (Она на совесть выполнила просьбу, She carefully and diligently fulfilled the request.)
со спокойной совестью — with a quiet/untroubled conscience

9. Скупой платит дважды, тупой платит трижды. Лох платит всю жизнь.
A stingy man pays twice, an idiot pays thrice. A sucker spends his whole life paying.

First, this is really an extended version of the older saying скупой платит дважды, “a stingy person pays twice” — i.e., buying a cheap made-in-China product may cost you more money in the long run. The word тупой means “dull; blunt” in the context of a knife, or “obtuse” in reference to angles greater than 90°, but “stupid” when you’re talking about a person. (Also, note the noun тупица, “a dimwit,” which looks feminine but is totally unisex and can take either masculine or feminine verbs and adjectives.)

And the slang term лох, from what I’ve been told, originally meant “bumpkin; hick; hayseed”, but now it has the more general meaning of “sucker” in the sense of “an easy target for a con-artist” — regardless of whether the person is from the country or the city. Thus — don’t be penny-wise and pound-foolish, but don’t be plain foolish, and don’t be a dupe for slick sales-talk.

And finally, no list of bumpersticker slogans would be complete without something a bit скверный (“vulgar”). Here’s one that’s rather off-color, but still very good advice:

10. Если тебе лизнули зад, не расслабляйся – это смазка!

The verb лизать/лизнуть is “to lick” (imperf. я лижу, ты лижешь; perf. я лизну, ты лизнёшь). The noun зад generally means “the rear; the back part”, but here it’s a nicer way of saying жопа. Расслаблять/расслабить is literally “to seriously weaken”, but in the reflexive -ся form it can mean “to relax”. And смазка is “grease” or “lubricant”. So the whole thing could be rendered:

When they’re kissing your butt, don’t let your guard down — it’s just for lubrication!

Ouch!