In light of all of the “negative” news about Russia lately, and the rest of the world for that matter, I decided that maybe a little humor would be appreciated. I hope to inject a bit of humor into your life with a few jokes about aspects of life in Russia at different times. They are not meant to offend and should be taken as being lighthearted attempts to elicit laughter and sharing. Hope you enjoy :-). But first, I would like to share some new Russian vocabulary.

У тебя прекрасное чувство юмора! – You have a great sense of humor! 
Я плохо запоминаю шутки – I don’t usually remember jokes. 
Ну у тебя и шуточки. – I am not into your jokes. (OR) I find your jokes inappropriate/disturbing. 
Я ценю хорошее чувство юмора в людях. – I appreciate good sense of humor in people. 
Смех улучшает здоровье. – Laughter improves health. 
Мне было очень смешно на них смотреть.  – It was very funny to look at them. 
Я люблю веселые компании. – I love hanging out with fun people. 
Я смеюсь, чтобы не заплакать. – I laugh so I don’t start crying. 
Над собой тоже нужно уметь смеяться. – You have to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes. 

“How does a Russian joke start?”

“By looking over their shoulder.”

“What is Communism?”
“The Poles say its the longest and most painful road that leads to Capitalism.”

“What did Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?”
“Electricity.”

“What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?”
“In Capitalism, man exploits man, and in Communism its the other way around.”

“What is the difference between an English and Russian fairy tale?”
“An English one begins with ‘Once upon a time…..,’ and a Russian one with ‘It will be soon….’”

“What should you do if vodka interferes with the job?”
“Get off the job.”

“Both the constitution of the United States and Soviet Union guarantee freedom of speech, so what is the difference between the two?”
“The U.S. Constitution also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

“In 2015 a young boy asks his grandpa, ‘What is a line?'”
“Well,” the grandpa says, “twenty five years ago there was not enough meat in stores so people formed long queues at stores’ entrances hoping some would appear on sale. That was called a line. Do you understand?”
“Yes grandpa. But what is meat?”

The seven paradoxes of the communist state: Nobody works but the plan is fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty but nobody starves. Nobody starves but everyone is unhappy. Everyone is unhappy but nobody complains. Nobody complains but the jails are full.

A woman walks into a food store. “Do you have any meat?”
“No we don’t.”
“What about milk?”
“We only offer meat. Across the street is the store where they have no milk.”

A guard asks a political prisoner, “How long is your sentence?”
“Ten years.”
“What for?”
“For nothing.”
“You are lying!” the guard laughs. “For nothing they give you five years.”

“What is the difference between the pound, the ruble, and the dollar?”
“A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.”

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully, at least one of these have put a smile on your face. Though some of these jokes came about as the result of a very difficult period in Russian history, they contain a glimpse of the reality of living life behind “Iron Curtain.” Scarcity of food and other essential items was common, as was the line you waited in to procure these items if they became available. Should you have a party of ten people in an apartment, it was a good bet that at least one of them was an informant and that nine of them might soon end up in jail. Forced confessions were more common than a cold. Times were difficult but the people survived, just as they will now. As one who appreciates the value in telling and laughing at jokes, I welcome any of yours as long as they are in good taste:-)

Всего хорошего!