A little encouragement goes a long way. In language learning, hearing from a local person, particularly a local with some experience learning languages themselves, that you’re doing well is a big boost in confidence. Different places encourage in different ways, of course, and you have to be mindful of this – Italians will praise you to the heavens just for saying “cappuccino” correctly, while it may take a bit longer for a French person to compliment you on anything at all. It’s best to weigh the worth of a compliment against its cultural context. And occasionally, you’ll find that yes, there are people out there learning your native language, and sometimes they could use a little pick-me-up as well.

However, you have to remember that there’s a right way to compliment, and a wrong way.

The difference is subtle, but significant, and I guarantee you’ve experienced both kinds yourself. The fact is, language learning takes work. Sure, some people appear to be more “gifted” than others, but I assure you that everyone who speaks any language has put in their time. Their gift is focus, study and long hours of practice, not a larger brain or more sensitive ears. Yes, perhaps that time was put in when they were children, but even then their minds were churning away at it for hours and hours each day.

And the same goes for you. Whatever level you’ve reached in your language proficiency, I’ll bet you got there by practicing it over and over and over again, making mistakes, correcting mistakes, and trying again. I doubt you learned it in your sleep while quick-working language pills spread linguistic prowess through your bloodstream. I doubt you had your brain soaked in knowledge juices by a Tasmanian witch doctor. I’ll wager the farm that it was hard work.

This is why any compliment about your ability is a hollow one.

When a relative says, “oh, you must be so talented to have learned a new language,” you think to yourself, “sure, as talented as anyone with thousands of hours and the willpower to do it.” When a workmate says, “you just have an ear for languages,” you want to say, “sure, the same ear you’re using to hear me talk right now.” When a friend remarks, “I could never do what you’ve done. You just have that natural gift for tongues,” you say, “nobody says ‘tongues,’ that just sounds off-putting.” Then you remind her that it was hard work that gave you that tongue. After all, how many times do you hear “you’re so good at this!” and your immediate, hair-trigger response is, “no I’m not.” This is exactly why.

You don’t like it, so don’t make this mistake yourself. Compliment the work, not the ability.

“Wow! You’ve learned three languages? That must have been a lot of work,” says a friend. Now that’s a remark that’ll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Finally! Someone who appreciates the time and effort that went into getting where you are. “Your comprehension has improved a lot since we last spoke. Good work!” Thank you, it did take work. “Language learning takes so much time and effort. How do you do it?” Great! Now we can actually talk about something substantial, because your conversation partner understands that it takes time and effort, not a magic wand. Be that person yourself.

As the old lady in the comic above wisely knows, there’s a subtle but significant difference between “your German is very good,” and “you’re very good at German.” Now you know it, too.